Skin Deep Part Five

The rest of the week was strange. It seemed to both fly by and creep along. I remember agonizing on Wednesday over the fact that Friday seemed so far away. Next thing I know, it is Friday and I'm waiting for my day to end. I have been in such a daze that I was surprised to find out that I got a B on my geometry quiz and I still wasn't failing ecology. Lets hope it stays that way cause today I was kinda just going through the motions of my day. All I could really think about was Izzy. Even during lunch when Parker, my friend from work rattled on to me about her boyfriend troubles. But now I was sitting in class, watching the last few seconds tick by on the clock. The bell rang and I jumped, even though I knew it was about to. I looked over to see Jesse walking in, laughing.

"Too much coffee Alicia?"

"Huh?" I said confused, Jesse just smiled at me for a second. "What?" I nearly screamed at him.

"Whoa down girl. Its just that your a little jumpy, I mean it was only the bell Alicia." He said, his smile getting bigger "nothing to be scared of really, the bell doesn't bite."

"Oh shut up." I say while getting up and giving him a little shove. "Come on," I say as I lead us into the hall. "We have a meeting and I have plans later." A grin appeared on his lips again and I almost couldn't stand it. "What the hell is up Jesse? You have been giving me strange looks all week and giggling and stuff. So come out with it, whats going on?" Just then I felt someone squeeze between us, I look over to see that its Izzy. God, there go those butterflies in my stomach trying to out beat my heart.

"Hey you two." She says, that smile of hers playing on her lips, "Jesse how long do you think you two will be?" She asks, turning her head slightly towards him.

"Oh I don't think we will be more than an hour or two." He says.

Then Izzy turns to give me her full attention."So you wanna meet at my place say around 4:30 or 5ish?" For a second I forget how to speak as I look into her eyes.

"Uh... yeah, but I don't know where you live now."

"Oh that's okay,"Jesse says, "I'll get you there."

"Thanks" Izzy and I say at the same time. Then she slips out from between us and turns to talk to us while walking backward. "So I'll see you in a little while then, don't forget your book. Oh and don't worry about food I've got it covered." Then just as she is turning around she calls over her shoulder, "Bye guys!" I let out a breath that I didn't even know I was holding while closing my mouth which was hanging open. I realize how I must look so I try to compose myself while I turn to face Jesse.

"So where are we meeting?" I ask, then I notice the look on his face. He looks all pleased with himself like a kid who just got into the cookie jar. "Jesse! Again I'll ask, what is going on with you?"

"I just. Wow," he says while shaking his head. "But never mind that, we have business to attend to. You wanna get coffee while we meet? I know this cool place not far from here."

"OK whatever, but I'm not gonna let you change the subject so easily. Really whats up?"

"Nothing I'm just happy that you and Izzy are becoming friends." I give him a look that says clearly you are bull shitting me.

"Really? How come I don't believe that that's it?"

"Well, because that's not all of it, but your not getting anything more out of me. At least not now." I sighed because I knew I was defeated and there was no use in pushing any more.

"OK, whatever. Lets just get this meeting done with." I notice that he has that mischievous look on his face again. "Oh no Jesse, if your not gonna tell me why you keep giving me that look then you need to stop." The look got stronger, "I mean it! If you give me that look one more time then I'm gonna make you tell me what its about. Got it?" Finally the look faded away.

"Yeah okay Alicia, I guess its only fair." Just then we stopped outside of some cafe I didn't even know existed. It was an old looking brick building with some kind of vines growing on it. Pretty cool. Inside it was even nicer, hard wood floors, funky wooden tables and flowers and art everywhere.

After getting some drinks and a snack we sat down and got going on our meeting. I tried really hard to pay attention and I guess I did alright. I figured out that Jesse wanted to have a blood drive at Smithston. I even added in a comment here and there, though I still managed to be consumed by thoughts of how things were going to go with Izzy. We talked about the drive and some other more boring stuff for about and hour and a half. Then I started getting anxious. Very soon I was going to be alone in a house with a girl who can make my whole body feel like its charged full of electricity just by smiling. I am going to be alone with a girl who I think might like me back but I'm just not sure. Maybe its just wishful thinking that she could like me back. I was so deep in thought that I didn't notice that Jesse was talking to me.

"Alicia, hello!" He said in a loud voice, "man, where where you just now? I swear a marching band could have plowed through here and you wouldn't have noticed."

"Oh nothing, I was uh, just thinking." I say, feeling a blush creeping up my cheeks. God I have it bad, I don't usually blush this easily. "Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was saying that we should go. Izzy is probably waiting and I have to meet up with my David."

I give him an appropriate "your going to see your boyfriend smile before grabbing my stuff and speaking. "Yeah. Okay, lets go."

We headed out and of course I start to get nervous again. I couldn't help but worry that I was gonna some how screw it all up again. Like, should I try to kiss her again if the tension gets all built up like last time? Should I just wait for her to make the first move, if she makes any at all. Or should I just forget about it an realize its never gonna happen? It was just too much for my brain. And what about Jesse? I keep feeling like he knows something I don't. Like Izzy told him something, which I guess makes sense cause they are best friends and all. But really its just killing me not knowing what to expect. I have never been this in the dark about someone I was into. Of course I had never really been into another girl before, at least one I let myself be into. So I was bound to run into some issues around it all right? I had gotten so lost in my thoughts (again) that I hadn't noticed how long we had been walking for, or even what direction we where headed. When I shook myself out of my thoughts and paid attention to where I was I realized we weren't far from my place.

"Hey, does Izzy live close by?" I asked Jesse.

"Yeah, just a few more blocks." He said, "hey I never noticed how close together you two live. Don't you ever see each other around?"

"No, but she did just move back in with her mom. I didn't really know her before so even if I did see her around before I might not have really noticed." As I said that I wondered to myself how I could have seen her and not noticed. Then I remembered I was all into Blake, why, I don't think I'll ever know. I seem to remember thinking he was cute when we first started dating, but I don't know why I stayed with him for so long.

"Well here we are." Jesse said while stopping me and pointing up at the small house. We walked up to the door and my heart leaped into my mouth. When Izzy opened the door I couldn't seem to talk around it for a minute.

"Hi." I finally choked out.

"Hey guys," she said while stepping aside to let us in. I was suddenly hit by the smell of pizza and realized how hungry I was.

"Ooh pizza, you order out?"

"Actually no," she said "I made it myself, You wanna stay and eat Jesse?"

"Oh Izzy I wish I could, it smells so good, but I've gotta go meet up with David. He is taking me out to eat so I have to pass."

"That's okay," she says with a smile, "that just leaves more for us." As we say goodbye to Jesse I think I catch Izzy and him share some kind of look. I try not to think about it too much though cause my mind was driving my crazy enough as it is. As Jesse turned to leave I found myself almost wishing that he would stay. I so didn't know what I was gonna do alone with Izzy. But then it happened, he was gone and it was just me and her. My heart had left my mouth but instead lodged its self in my throat. I am so overwhelmed by just being near her that I'm not even really aware of my actions. I vaguely remember taking off my hoodie and handing it to her before following her to the kitchen. She turns toward me, "I hope you like veggie pizza." She says that smile of hers in place, god is it getting hot in here? My palms are sweating and I realize that I'm not breathing. I let out my breath and take a deep one, counting to ten. Satisfied that I've calmed down some I look at her, she looks concerned. "Are you okay Alicia?"

"Yeah," I say while concentrating on my breathing so I can at least pretend to be calm. "Just hungry is all, I'm a little dizzy." That was true, I do feel dizzy but I don't think its all about hunger.

"Here then sit down I'll get the pizza." She says, ushering me to a chair. I sit and start to calm down even more. At first I look around her house. I was sitting in what I guess was the dining area. I had a view into the kitchen and if I looked to the right I could see the living room. Her place was so not like mine, not just the fact that she lives in a house and I in an apartment. No her place was way nicer than mine. All the furniture matches though there is still something that lets me know that they aren't that much more better off than my mom and me. After looking around, my attention turns to Izzy. I just watch her move around the kitchen. I notice that she has changed sense I last saw her. She is wearing a black bondage skirt with buckles and chains all over with a white men's button down dress shirt with the sleeves cut off. The outfit was completed by a pair of black sleeves with buckles at the top fish nets and black boots. She looked real good, so good that I almost felt under dressed in my same old boots, jeans and tank. Just then I noticed that she was headed toward the table I was sitting at. She caught me staring, so I look away as fast as I can before speaking.

"Wow Izzy the pizza smells great, " I said then took a bite. "Damn it tastes even better. You made this?"

"Yeah, but before you get too impressed you should know that I burned the first one." She smiles, "yeah I had to run to the store to get another crust and some more sauce and cheese." She laughs, "at least I had enough veggies still, that would have sucked to have to get more of everything."

"Yeah, but what ever happened this is really good" I said smiling. "So should we get down to business?" I say while getting my book out of my bag. She agreed then got up and ran off, returning with her copy of The Metamorphosis.

We went over some of the finer points of the book and read some of her favorite passages. Finally I started to get it, its weird how I can be so nervous around her one minuet then so comfortable the next. "So," I say to her, "I think I get what you are saying about being seen. He is all freaked out about being a bug and his family is too, but they should be paying attention to him inside. Like your outsides or how others percive you shouldn't matter as long as your a good person on the inside. But they get all freaked out any way in the end. Its kinda sad."

"Yes! You really got it," she said while looking intently at me, that smile that I love curving up her lips. "So you wanna do something else now? I mean how lame are we if we spend all Friday night studying?"

"Yeah, right. So what do you wanna do?"

"Oh I don't know, we could watch a movie or something. There is a video store near by."

"Yeah I know, hey Izzy did you know that we live way close to each other? " She shook her head so I kept talking. "Yeah, I live in the big brick building, you know, the one that's like eight blocks..." I look around trying to figure out where I am, then figure it out and point. "That way."

"Oh, really? Well that's cool, kinda weird that we haven't run into each other." She looked down then and fiddled with her shirt, then looked back up. "So do you wanna go get a movie?"

"Sure, lets go." We headed out to the video store and I started to feel my nervousness coming back. I kept as cool as I could the whole time. We ended up picking out The Grudge, Izzy a little reluctantly but I was excited about it. I had wanted to see it in the theater but of course it didn't come to the one I work at and I just didn't get around to it. I assured her that if it got too scary for her that we could turn it off and also I was pretty sure that it wasn't gory.

Soon we were back at her place. We popped some popcorn and settled ourselves in front of the TV. I was really enjoying the movie, even though I was terribly aware of how close Izzy was to me. I tried to just focus on the movie even when I thought she turned to look at me a couple of times. I moved my hand off of my lap and it ended up lightly touching her hand. My heart sped up, what should I do? Would I be all obvious if I moved my hand now, or would she think I was trying to hold her hand if I didn't move? I finally decided that I had thought about it for too long so I just left it there. The movie was nearing the end and it was like creepy scene after creepy scene. When the ghost girl came contorting herself down the stairs Izzy grabbed my hand. My heart started pounding so hard, and it wasn't because of the movie. I took a deep breath and turned to look at her. She was looking right back at me. She let go of my hand but didn't move hers so it rested on top of mine. Suddenly any rational thought I might have once had left me as I leaned in towards her. I licked my suddenly dry lips just before they touched hers. The kiss was quick and chaste, I suddenly realized what I was doing and pulled away.

"Oh god Izzy I'm sorry. I don't know what-" But I didn't get to finish, she cut me off with a kiss like no other kiss I had ever had. It was gentle at first, then she lightly placed her fingertips on my cheek. I parted my lips and she let her tongue slip inside my mouth as mine came up to meet hers. I slid my arms around her back as little chills ran all through my body. The kiss ended though I wished it would go on forever and we pulled slightly away from each other. We were still touching when we both opened our eyes slowly to look at each other. I noticed that we were both breathing heavy and I didn't know what to do or say. All I managed was "wow." It was practically a whisper. She smiled at me then.

"Yeah" was all she said, her smile getting bigger.


I turned so that my body was facing hers, I tried to slow my breathing though it didn't work. I even tried to think of something to say. Finally I just gave up trying to calm down or talk to her at all and I moved in for another kiss. I pulled her in closer to me as we kissed, god I can't believe this is happening. We kissed for much longer this time so that when we pulled away I felt a bit more satisfied. We just sat there for a while looking at each other, I reached my hand out to her and slid it gently down her cheek. She smiled at me and I smiled back and for once I was the first to break the silence.

"So," I said starting to get a little confused as what just happened started to sink in. "What was that?" She looked a question at me before she spoke.

"What do you mean? It was a kiss well two actually, well kinda three."

"I just mean, you know after what happened at the park the other day I was sure you weren't into me like that."

"Oh yeah, that." She said as she dropped her gaze back down to her lap. "I guess I just freaked, I never kissed another girl before," she said, while fidgeting with her shirt. "I mean I've noticed girls before but they never noticed back, I got a little confused is all. But I'm not any more, confused that is."

"So, what does this mean? Are we gonna have a clandestine affair now or something?" I say while laughing.

"Wow big words tough girl."

"Hey this tough girl has got quite the vocabulary stashed way. But don't tell anyone, it would ruin my rep." We both laughed at that. Then I realized that the credits were rolling on the TV screen. "Well so much for the end of the movie huh?" I said while trying to come up with another way to bring up the subject of us.

"Yeah, uh Alicia?" She asked while taking my hand in hers, I looked at her and she continued. "About whats next, I don't really know, but I don't think we have to jump to labeling this just yet ya know. We could just see what happens."

"Yeah okay that sounds good," I said smiling. "We will just see what happens." Izzy smiled as if she was afraid of what I would say, but relived now that I had agreed with her. Then just like that I was back to not knowing what to do or say. I glanced at the clock and realized that it was already almost 10:30. Now I really didn't know what to do cause I didn't want to leave any time soon. Just then Izzy spoke.

"Uh, you wanna spend the night?"

"Whoa! Moving a little fast aren't ya?" I said jokingly while watching her blush.

"No, I didn't mean like that. I just don't want you to go yet so if you stay over, that problem is solved."

"Uh-huh," I say, grinning. "Yeah I just gotta call my mom, uh is your mom gonna be okay with my staying over?" Izzy blushed even harder.

"Uh, yeah, well she is okay with it." She said while trying to hide the red that was creeping up her cheeks and getting deeper every second. "See I already asked her."

"Oh, pretty sure of yourself aren't you?" I said laughing, she just looked at me a little embarrassed then joined in with my laughter. When we had calmed down some she glanced at the clock.

"My mom should be home soon, why don't you call yours while I go get ready for bed." She said while getting up from the couch, still holding my hand and looking at me. I watched a thought slide behind her eyes, "Uh do you need something to sleep in?"

"Sure, shorts or something would be great." I say while squeezing her hand then letting her go. I watch her as she turns off the TV and heads up to her room then I find the phone and call my place. I get the machine as I expected so I leave a message. My heart is beating like crazy as I head up towards her room, but this time its from excitement instead of fear or nervousness. "Izzy?" I call, then follow her voice to her room, "You decent?" I ask as I slowly push open the door. When I step into her room I find her standing near the bed wearing a tank top and boxer shorts then I notice that her sleeves are still on. "So, whats with the sleeves?" I ask while trying to hide my sudden concern.

"Uh..." She says while obviously getting nervous, "I just...uh." She doesn't say any more so I walk towards her and when I get to her I take her hand in mine.

"Izzy, you didn't start..." I just let what I was going to say hang in the air waiting for her to answer. I watched her face for any sign of what was up and saw her realize what I was thinking.

"Oh no, no I'm not cutting again, I...uh... I just don't want you to see my scars." After saying this she looked down and pulled her hand away from mine. I stepped even closer to her reached out to her then thought better of it and just let my hand drop.

"Oh Izzy, look at me please." I say using the most gentle voice I could find. Then slowly she did look up at me. "I don't care about that," I said keeping my voice steady and gentle. "Any way I thought you were doing really well with all that stuff.

"I am I just don't want to mess things up." She says, getting visibly nervous again, "I just don't want you to think I'm a freak or weak or something." I take her hand again softly then slowly trail my hand up her arm to the top of her sleeve. She started to pull away then I assured her that it was okay. I undid the buckle at the top then began to push the sleeve down her arm revealing white shiny scars. One after the other like uneven train tracks, I let the sleeve fall to the floor then I raised my hand up so that I was nearly touching the highest scars. I looked into her eyes.

"Can I?" I practically whispered, my hand hovering over her arm. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and swallowed. When she opened them again her eyes were shiny with tears but open, trusting at the same time.

"Okay." She said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. I moved my hand the last small bit of distance to touch her scared arm. I let my hand slide over each one exploring them, then I looked back up into her eyes.

"Izzy they don't make you seem weak at all, its more like the complete opposite. They are like a sign of what you've been through, how strong you are." A few tears trickled down her cheeks. "Oh, don't cry."

"Don't worry they aren't sad tears, their happy ones. See only two people have really ever seen my scars besides my mom. That would be Matt, you know my ex and Parker. Parker caught me cutting in the bathroom at school. So Matt is the only person I showed because I wanted to. I didn't even really want to show my mom." She paused to wipe away the last of her tears. "None of those people ever saw them the way you do," she said as a smile spread across her face. She pushed down the other sleeve, threw it aside then came to stand so close that her body was nearly pressed against mine. "Thank you," she breathed as she kissed me, stepping in to close the distance. Everything around us just sort of melted away, then I was vaguely aware of a sound in the hallway near the door. There was a knock on the door and we jumped apart trying to look casual as the it opened and Izzy's mom stepped in.

To Be Continued

Skin Deep Part Four

The next morning, it took every ounce of strength I could muster just to get out of bed. Thankfully the apartment was quiet so there would be no mom dodging today. I lay in bed so long, I even considered playing sick. I was so afraid of what would happen if or when I saw Izzy, but I couldn't hide in my room forever so finally I got up. I hopped in the shower and just about screamed, one of the joys of being poor is that you never know if you'll have hot water. After the fastest shower known to human kind I threw on some blue jeans and a red T-shirt, my boots and my hoodie. On my way out I grabbed an apple then almost screamed again when I saw something on the couch. I turned out to be my mom. She looked peaceful amid the jumble of miss-matched furniture then I saw the beer in her hand. So I crept over to her, gently pulled the can out of her grasp and pulled the green and brown couch blanket over her. Taking care of my mom for those few minuets was a welcome distraction. Unfortunately, it didn't last for long. As soon as I started walking down the hallway my thoughts went right to Izzy. God I hope she will forgive me. I got outside just in time to catch the bus. The bus driver gave me a not so nice look when I only put half the fair amount in the little fair box. Whatever, he let me on anyway. I took out The Metamorphosis and tried to read, but it only made me think of Izzy. Thankfully the ride was pretty short and I shoved the book in my bag as I left the bus. I managed to make it through the first half of my day without running into her. As I walked through the halls trying to figure out what I was gonna do for lunch, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I almost had a heart attack as I turned to see who it was. I calmed down just a little when I saw that it was Jesse.

"Hey Alicia, you OK?"

"Uh, yeah." I said, hoping eh wasn't about to talk to me about Izzy. "Whats up?"

"Not much, I just wanted to talk to you for a sec." I tried really not to show how nervous I was. By the look on his face I failed. "So," He said, his worried look turning into a mischievous smile. What did you do to Izzy yesterday?"

"Oh god, is she OK? She hates me doesn't she? Shit tell her I'm sorry would you?"

"Whoa slow down Alicia, you've got it all wrong. I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate you." As he said the last his smile got bigger. "So what did you do?"

"Nothing," I said totally unconvincingly.

"Come on Alicia, I know something is up and Izzy won't spill."

"Well if your best friend won't tell you then why should I." I smiled at him coyly. He smiled then hung his head, shaking it.

"Well I guess you got me," he said, starting to back up. "At least now I have a better idea of why why you wanted to talk to me yesterday." He flashed me a brilliantly smug smile before turning to walk away.

"Jesse!" I shouted after him, "come back here!" Now I was even more confused. What had Izzy told him? Does this mean that she LIKES me too? My brain was buzzing once again as I made my way to the cafeteria and through the lunch line. As I looked for a somewhat secluded spot to sit I came to a conclusion. I figured that it would be great if Izzy does like me but really as long as she is cool with being friends with me, well thats what really matters. I decided that Izzy, may not like me but just wants to be my friend. I guess that the gay thing wouldn't be a big deal for her sense her best friend is. I had just found a spot and was angling to it when Izzy stepped in front of me. Oh my goodness, I swear that my heart almost jumped out of my mouth.

"Hey Alicia," she smiled her beautiful smile as she spoke.

"Hey," I said, feeling my cheeks flush. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday." Wow I am such a nerd.

"Don't worry about it. So, I just wanted to make sure that we are still on for Friday?" Oh my god, I don't know if I can speak. I take a breath that I hope wasn't that obvious before trying.

"Uh... yeah. I mean if you still want to, that is." Her smile grew as she looked me right in the eyes.

"Yes, I want," she said as she turned and walked away. I didn't know what to say, which was ok. I was speechless.

Skin Deep Part Three

Sixth period went by fast, probably cause of my anticipation for the end of school. Funny thing is, after the bell rang I just sat there at my desk until I finally mustered up the courage to leave. My heart started beating uncontrollably fast as I approached the front doors to the school. By the time I actually got there and saw her waiting for me, my heart had decided to take up residence in my throat. "Just breathe," I told myself as I approached her.

"Hey," I said as she looked up at me. She smiled. I thought I would melt. Its weird, now that I admitted to myself that I most likely do have a crush on her its easier to just let the feelings come. "So, what do want to do?" I say while trying really hard not to fidget too much.

"Well I'm starving and am in serious need of caffeine, wanna go to Esspresorama? They have pretty good food. Then we can eat and decide what else to do."

"Good idea, now that I think about it I'm kinda hungry myself." Or are those just butterflies in my stomach?

We headed off and about a half hour later we were talking over sandwiches and iced coffee. Izzy had been talking for a while but I realized I hadn't really been listening. I spent most of the time she was talking trying not to stare at her lips, or any other part of her for that matter. Well besides her eyes, eye contact is good right? Though it could be terribly wrong if my eyes gave too much of what I was feeling away.

"So you know what I mean? Uh hello earth to Alicia, you there?"

"Uh... what... yeah." I said, coming back to reality, then immediately feeling guilty for not paying attention to her. "OK so no I have no idea what you where saying. I spaced out, so what was that? I promise I'll pay attention this time." I said that last part putting every genuine bit of me into my face.

"Oh never mind really it was nothing, just talking about the book we're reading for English. You do have Mrs. Haney right?"

"Yeah. Oh, you mean the weird one about the guy who wakes up one day and is a bug? I really don't get it, do you?"

"Actually I do," she said while sliding her gaze to stare intently at her fries. "I uh kinda relate to it in some weird way. Its like about being seen, you know? Like when even his family shuns him, its like they can only see the surface. Like they can only see whats skin deep, ya know? Oh well I guess you don't sense you said don't get it. Oh god I'm starting to babble now, please make me stop, I must sound like such an idiot."

"No not at all, " I say while trying to fight the silly grin that was threatening to take over my face. "You just sound like you've got a kind of passion for something that your into. That's cool, I wish I got it." She looked up at me smiling and I couldn't stop myself so I just spoke. "Hey you wouldn't wanna study together sometime, help me understand it better?" Did her smile just deepen or am I imagining things?

"That could be cool, hey what are you doing Friday? We could start out studying then just hang. My mom goes to a big AA meeting on Friday nights, then they all usually go out for like coffee and snacks after or whatever. So will be a parent free environment." She smiled. Damn Is that my heart speeding up?

"Sure, I gotta meet up with Jesse after school, some student council thingy. But after that I'm free."

"Cool, then Friday it is." She said, then we just sat there for a while, I ended up shoving some chips into my mouth just to have something to do. Then Finally she spoke again. "So do what do you wanna do after we leave here? Do you still wanna hang or..."

"Uh I don't know, we could go to the park or something. What do you want to do?"

"The park sounds good", she said while throwing some money on the table. "That should cover mine. Be right back, bathroom."

She left me sitting there not knowing what to do next. I kept feeling like maybe she was interested in me too. But then again that could just be wishful thinking. Some waiter came by and took our dishes and money. I continued to think, I've been doing a lot of that lately, maybe too much. Soon though I was saved from my own brain by Izzy.

"So you ready to go?" she says, that smile on her face.

"Yeah, lets go."


We left and headed for the park. My mind was racing as usual, I kept wanting to hold her hand or something cheesy like that. God what is happening to me? Instead of acting on my strange impulse I decided to try real hard to think of something to talk about. A little later when we arrived at the park Izzy took care of my problem and broke the silence first.

"So do you see a lot of free movies?"

"Huh?" I questioned, then I think she blushed.

"You do work at a movie theater, right"

"Oh yeah. We don't tend to get many good ones though. I got the job cause, well I needed money. Also I like movies but then nothing good comes to our theater so it kinda sucks. But at least I get paid and I don't loose any money watching bad movies." Haven't we talked about my job before? Why are we talking about my stupid job? Come on brain, I think to myself, help me out. Soon I found I was obsessing over what to talk about but was thankfully pulled out of my thoughts by Izzy yet again breaking the silence.

"Uh, Alicia?" She says, her eyes darting from my eyes to her hands.

"Yeah, whats up?" Really, whats up, why am I suddenly all nervous again? She stops looking at her hands and looks me right in the eye.

"I just wanted to thank you again and apologize for the way I acted the other night. I was so self obsessed that I wasn't thinking about your feelings, I'm sorry. I was only thinking about my situation and I never even stopped to think about you. I shouldn't have assumed that you wouldn't understand." She looked down again, god I am the one who is selfish. All I want right now is for her to look at me again.

"Really Izzy its okay, I was kinda harsh on you right? So its fine no harm done." She looked up at me again and I could swear I might loose it. She gives me that smile and I could swear the temperature just went up a few notches.

"Are you sure? I mean we're just really starting to get to be friends and I feel like I screwed up pretty bad. It made me realize that I don't really know you that well. It was unfair of me to make such messed up assumptions about you." She looked down again for a moment, causing her hair to slide out from behind her ears. She looked up then and started to talk again, looking at me through the curtain of her hair. "I have to admit, I was pretty surprised when you asked to hang out today."

"Yes I'm sure," I said thinking that I might regret what I was about to say but ignoring the thought. "Really in a way its more my fault than anything. I'm the one who never lets anyone in. I put up this front of being this super tough girl when really I'm a marshmallow."

"Oh come on," she says almost laughing. "You can't tell me that all of it is an act. I mean the way you told off Blake today, that had heart in it."

"Yeah but that's not being tough really that's just surviving. I mean I'm not gonna take any shit from a guy even if, no especially if he is my boyfriend. That's more like being smart, you know?"

"Yeah I guess I see what you mean, but some people wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves like that, even if they wanted to. That's pretty tough, I'd say. I mean doing the standing up you know?"

"Yeah I got it, so I guess I'm a little tough, but I'm not the only one. Your pretty tough yourself Ms. DeLancy."

"What? Are you kidding?"

"No." I say getting a little serious, "They way you have overcome so much, and moving back in with your mom was a big deal. Especially with the way you where feeling about her."

"Thanks, I never thought of it that way" she said her eyes locked with mine. Oh god I don't know what I'm gonna do, I want to kiss her so bad right now. Well I know one thing, I can stop being confused. I defiantly have a crush on her. She smiled again and the air around us got so thick I swear you could cut the tension with a knife.

"Uh... no problem." I choked out between stifled breaths. Am I moving closer to her or am I hallucinating? My heart is beating so fast and hard that it feels almost like I'm high or something.

"Are you okay?" She asks her voice quiet.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say in a whisper. I am suddenly so nervous that I'm barley aware of whats going on. Suddenly I realize that our faces are so close that a breeze could push us together. I lick my lips and look at hers, my whole body is screaming JUST KISS HER ALREADY!. Just as I'm about to I hear her take in a sharp breath. Suddenly she is sitting back and speaking.

"I... uh... have to go... uh... homework," she says as she gets up and before I know it she is gone.

Shit, I definitely blew it now. What was I thinking? What will I do tomorrow at school? I am so stupid, I can't believe I just tried to kiss her. But I could swear she was there with me. I'm not usually clueless when it comes to stuff like that. Maybe girls are different but I could swear she was feeling the same stuff I was. Guess I was wrong and she could have been a good friend. I hope at least that I didn't ruin the chances of that cause I could really use friends right about now.

I left the park feeling all screwed up and rejected, not to mention a little confused. Why if I'm gonna like girls does it all have to start out like this? The whole way home I was plagued by thoughts of what will happen the next time I see her. I have gone through every horrible scenario I could think of by the time I reach my house. The house was dark, good. I so don't want to deal with my mom wright now. I head up to my room stripping off my back pack and hoodie on the way. When I get there I throw myself onto my bed feeling numb and still freaked out by the prospect of having to face her tomorrow. Finally I was able to silence my brain enough that I began to fall asleep. just as I was on the edge of sleep the phone rang waking me up. I threw myself off my bed to get the phone, thinking that is just might be Izzy.

"Hello?" I answered. Nothing, "hello?" I said again, still nothing but the faint sound of someone breathing. "Creep" I said as I hung up. I have got to talk my mom into caller id. I went back to bed and fell into an uneasy sleep.

To Be Continued.....

Skin Deep, Part Two

The first half of the day went by in a blur. I mean I was present for the most part, but my thoughts kept sliding over to Izzy and our plans for the afternoon. I don't even really know why. OK that's a lie, maybe. Well really I'm just not sure, every time I start to let myself really think about it I chicken out. Which is crazy, right? I mean its all in my own head so whats to be scared of? So that's what my brain has been like all day and now its time for lunch. I gathered up my stuff and headed out of my U.S. history class and off to the cafeteria. As I walked I started thinking again. After some serious battling with myself I finally decided to talk to the one person who just might be able to help me. Jesse, school president and my new friend the only problem with that is that he is Izzy's best friend. Well that and our friendship is kinda tentative right now. At least on my part, see last year I was kinda mean to him. I used to refer to him as the gay kid and even nastier things to his face. I would love to blame my actions all on Blake, problem is I'm pretty sure I'm to blame. Maybe more accurately, my insecurities are to blame. I was thinking so hard as I walked that I didn't even notice that I had made it to the cafeteria. I scanned the room for Jesse while I stood in line waiting for my free lunch. I didn't see him but I did see Izzy. She was talking with a group of girls I didn't really know. Good, hopefully that means I can catch him without her. I thought to myself, my pulse beginning to speed up. Trying to ignore my hammering heart, I filled my tray with food and started outside to look for him. It didn't take long. He was sitting (alone!) at one of the picnic tables scattered between the school building and the football field.
"Jesse!" I yelled, giving him a quick wave before walking toward him. He smiled at me while brushing crumbs off of his olive skin.

"Hey Alicia," he greeted me as I took a seat next to him. "Whats up?" His light brown eyes actually looked the question at me as well.

"Nothing," I lied. As I realized what I was about to do, my pulse sped up even more. So much that I wouldn't be surprised if my heart jumped right out of my chest.

"Whoa Alicia, whats up really? Are you OK?"

"Yes," I said, after taking a deep breath. "Well, no, or... Oh I don't know! Jesse, I need your help. See I think I might be... I was wondering how did you know you were... Is it weird that I-" Just then I heard Izzy shout.

"Hey, Jesse, Alicia!" Damn. So much for that idea, I thought to myself as I watched her approaching us.

"Uh, Jesse?" I asked while turning to face him. "Would you mind not mentioning this to Izzy?"

"Sure Alicia, whatever. I'm not sure what I would tell her any way." He smiled at me then and I'm pretty sure he did know what not to tell her. Just then Izzy sat down across from us.

"Hey," she said to me, "You joining us for lunch today?"

"Uh... no. Actually I just had to talk to Jesse. See you after school?"

"Yeah," she said, smiling. I found myself looking at her smile just a bit too long. Then, fumbling, I stood to leave.

"Bye guys." And I was off heaving a sigh as I made my escape.

I'm not sure how I made it through the rest of the day. I kept looking at the clock, both anticipating and dreading what was coming. When fifth period came around I was kinda relived that I had a free period. I was only kind of relived cause that meant that I had fifty minuets to think. Like I needed to do any more of that. I decided to go outside for a while and write. I made my way out to the tables, picked one, sat down and pulled out my notebook and a pen.

So Alicia, you are excited to hang out with a new friend. So what right? She is a new friend and you are happy to have one. Right? Maybe, no that's probably not it. I don't usually get fixated on friends smiles. Plus for the past few weeks I've been noticing that whenever I'm around her I feel better. Happier. Also in the past week I have found myself wanting to-

Suddenly I was aware of someone standing in front of me, across the table. I looked up and saw Mary. Oh yeah, there is still one person I need to cut out of my life.

"Hey Alicia, where have you been all day? I heard about Blake, are you OK?"

I looked at her chin length blond hair and blue eyes and wondered why I ever hung out with her. It was weird, when I looked at her I no longer saw the girl I have known ever sense kindergarten. I felt like I never knew her at all. The person I thought I knew would never have done what she did to me.

"I've been avoiding you and I'm fine," I said before redirecting my attention to my writing.

"What? Why? Why would you be avoiding me?"

"Because you were sleeping with my boyfriend behind my back." I said without looking up, "Last I checked that's not something that best friends do." I continued writing, she continued standing there. Still not looking up I said, "why are you still here?"

"I...I...," she stammered. I could tell by her voice that she was crying. I continued to stare at my notebook even though I wasn't writing any more. I wasn't sure that I could stand by my decision if I saw her crying. After what felt like hours but was probably only seconds, she left. I let my self cry just a little bit before returning to my thoughts. I decided not to write anymore and to just think. After some serious digging I decided this: If I do LIKE a girl then that doesn't mean that I'm gay. Also if I am then its not like its the end of the world. I'm tough, I figure if I can withstand people looking down on or making fun of me because I'm a poor Mexican girl with a drunk mom then I'm sure I'll get through this. Then just like that I realized that I'm pretty sure that I am gay. Well at least a little.

To Be Continued.....

Skin Deep

FYI: this is the beginning of a short story. I will add to it periodically.


I awoke to the familiar sounds of my mom and her drunk ass boyfriend fighting. I tried to shut them out, my pillow over my head, but that just didn't work. I rolled over to look at the clock to see I had a whole twenty minuets left to sleep. I heaved a sigh, turned off my alarm, then went about getting ready for school. I was so not looking forward to today. I felt like the fighting was a sign of things to come. See, I had decided to break up with my boyfriend today and I'm pretty sure he's not going to go easily. You may be wondering why I'm breaking up with him. Truth is, I have many reasons. I decided to evaluate my life and he doesn't fit into it anymore. His name is Blake Mendez and he is the resident bad boy of Smithston High. Gorgeous dark hair and skin from his Mexican father and bright green eyes, those he got from his white (more specifically Irish) mother. It was his devilish smirk that he passes off as a smile that reeled me in. I'll admit at first I liked being bad with him. I got a thrill from shoplifting and pushing people around, it felt powerful. I felt powerful. Then once the honeymoon was over I realized that I didn't much like who I was with or who I was becoming. I saw too much of my mom and her drunk asshole boyfriends in us. I don't want to end up like her. I love her of course but I don't want to put my hypothetical kids through what I've gone through with her. So that and I don't want to end up in jail. I started feeling bad for the people I've been pushing around. Just cause I have a crappy life doesn't really give me the right to make others lives miserable. Plus I just found out that he has been probably cheating on me with my "best" friend. So yeah I'm breaking up with Blake and I guess in a way Mary. That is if I don't chicken out.

Feeling kinda bummed and freaked out I threw on a black tank top, a pair of black skinny jeans and my boots, I ran a comb through my dark hair and pulled it into a ponytail. I stopped to check myself out in the full length mirror that Blake gave me. I kinda scared myself, my light caramel colored face looked pale, making the stud in my right nostril stand out. My dark brown eyes had a look of shock in them and I couldn't seem to get my full mouth to relax. Oh well, I thought as I grabbed my backpack and turned to leave. I left via the fire escape outside my window to avoid any collisions with my mom or her boyfriend. When I got to the bottom there he was, waiting for me in his car. "Hey," I said, a sense of foreboding grabbing me.

"Hey gorgeous," he said as he leaned over to open the passenger side door. I slid in the car and returned his kiss without feeling. I was silent the whole way to school, which was easy cause it was only a ten minuet ride and he talks a lot. As he pulled into a spot I noticed that his right hand had made its way to my thigh. Damn I thought to myself, then while taking a deep breath I picked his hand up and turned to face him.

"Blake, we need to break up." There I said it. He just sat there so I started to open the door. Then he grabbed my wrist.

"Wait Lici (Leesee) you don't mean that, lets talk."

"Blake, there's nothing for us to talk about. My life is changing, I'm changing and those changes don't include you." He tried to talk, but I put up a hand and kept talking. "I'm freaking vice president of the school now and I actually care about my grades now. I don't want to be on food stamps forever. I wanna make something of myself. Oh, and don't call me that, you've lost that privilege"

"What makes you think you will be able to A-li-ci-a?" He said, emphasizing each syllable of my name, his anger starting to show.

"See, that's what I mean, you hold me back. You want me to stay at your level, that's not what I want. I don't want to end up like my mom and Shawn." He laughed, a burst of anger and I think a tiny bit of guilt.

"My level?" He laughed, then heaved a big breath before continuing. "Anyways Eva and Shawn are great together and I don't hold you back."

"Yes your level," I said, my voice rising. Now I was getting mad. "Yeah they're great if you think that being drunk all the time and him beating the crap out of her is great. And dammit, you do hold me back." At that I shoved open the door and stormed off. Unfortunately he caught up with me rather quickly. He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. That was it. "Don't touch me!" I yelled, "you've lost that privilege too."

"Oh come on Li- Alicia. Can't we talk about this?" In my anger I looked away from him and saw that a crowd was gathering. Great.

"Oh come on Blake," I said, making fun of him. A bit childish I know but it felt good. "What is there to talk about? I think I've been pretty clear. But if that's not enough for you then hows this, tell me about Mary." I crossed my arms and gave him the iciest stare I could muster. At first he said nothing, just staring at me stupidly. Then he had the nerve to act like he was innocent.

"Mary? Your best friend Mary? What do you want to know? She's your best friend, wouldn't you know more than me?"

"Oh come on I'm sure you could think of something I don't know, like what kind of kisser she is. Or whether she spits or swallows." OK I know that was probably too much but I was pissed. He just stood there red faced and sputtering. "Your silence is so reassuring," I said, laying the sarcasm on thick. "Now Blake listen good, we. Are. Over," I said lacing each word with venom. I turned to leave and heard him call out to me.

"Lici..."

"Don't call me that," I said without turning. Then I walked away without looking back. As I walked people actually started to clap. I couldn't help but smile even though I felt horrible.
I dashed straight to my first class, geometry and sat down. It was strange, I was the only person there. I checked the clock an saw that I was early. I pulled out a notebook and a pen and started to write.

So I did it, I broke up with Blake. Strange thing is, I don't feel how I thought I would. Its not that I regret it, I don't. I just expected to feel different. I mean I feel kinda relived, but I also feel really confused. I know I left him with good reason, I guess now that its done I have to face the other possible reason I have for doing what I did...

Just then I felt a tap on my shoulder. Damn, doesn't he get it? I whipped my head up to see, not Blake, but Izzy a kinda new friend of mine. Her blue/gray eyes looked startled and brighter than usual against her pale freckled skin. As she looked at me she started pulling on her lip ring.

"Hey," she said giving a little wave with her unoccupied hand. Then, keeping her hand up she said, "don't hit me."

"Hey," I said, a smile spreading across my face. "Why would I hit you?"

"Well you looked up with a look on your face like you were gonna hit someone and I'm on the other end of that look." As she spoke she lowered one hand and moved the other to push her blond and berry red streaked hair behind her ear.

"Sorry, I thought you were Blake."

"Nope, just me. Speaking of Blake though, good job. If he doesn't get it that you two are over, then he's dumber than I thought." She smiled and I laughed. It felt good to laugh.

"You saw that huh? Well thanks, but, uh, did you come in here just to congratulate me?"

"No, actually I came to apologize and thank you. I took your advice you know, about moving back in with my mom."

Izzy and I had just started hanging out not long after I lost the school election for President and was chosen by the winner, Jesse, as vice president. Jesse and her are best friends so we have been hanging recently. She had left home months ago cause her mom was a drunk and she (Izzy) had started cutting cause of all the stress at home. She stopped cutting and her mom stopped drinking but she was still afraid to go home. I convinced her that she should even if it was hard. At least her mom is trying.

"Cool." I said not knowing really what to say. "Well your welcome then, I kinda thought maybe I was to hard on you" I said while looking at down at my desk.

"No I needed it." She said while smiling again. Looking back on it later I realized that maybe that's what made me say what I did next.

"Hey you wanna hang after school?"

"Sure, meet me out front after the last bell." she said while looking at her watch, "Gotta get to class, see ya then!" She said as she ran out into the hall.

I just sat there for a second thinking, then was brought back to reality by the bell. Somehow the room had filled up around me without my noticing. I put my notebook away and got out my geometry book. I noticed that I was holding my breath and let it out. What was going on with me?
To Be Continued....