Skin Deep, Part Two

The first half of the day went by in a blur. I mean I was present for the most part, but my thoughts kept sliding over to Izzy and our plans for the afternoon. I don't even really know why. OK that's a lie, maybe. Well really I'm just not sure, every time I start to let myself really think about it I chicken out. Which is crazy, right? I mean its all in my own head so whats to be scared of? So that's what my brain has been like all day and now its time for lunch. I gathered up my stuff and headed out of my U.S. history class and off to the cafeteria. As I walked I started thinking again. After some serious battling with myself I finally decided to talk to the one person who just might be able to help me. Jesse, school president and my new friend the only problem with that is that he is Izzy's best friend. Well that and our friendship is kinda tentative right now. At least on my part, see last year I was kinda mean to him. I used to refer to him as the gay kid and even nastier things to his face. I would love to blame my actions all on Blake, problem is I'm pretty sure I'm to blame. Maybe more accurately, my insecurities are to blame. I was thinking so hard as I walked that I didn't even notice that I had made it to the cafeteria. I scanned the room for Jesse while I stood in line waiting for my free lunch. I didn't see him but I did see Izzy. She was talking with a group of girls I didn't really know. Good, hopefully that means I can catch him without her. I thought to myself, my pulse beginning to speed up. Trying to ignore my hammering heart, I filled my tray with food and started outside to look for him. It didn't take long. He was sitting (alone!) at one of the picnic tables scattered between the school building and the football field.
"Jesse!" I yelled, giving him a quick wave before walking toward him. He smiled at me while brushing crumbs off of his olive skin.

"Hey Alicia," he greeted me as I took a seat next to him. "Whats up?" His light brown eyes actually looked the question at me as well.

"Nothing," I lied. As I realized what I was about to do, my pulse sped up even more. So much that I wouldn't be surprised if my heart jumped right out of my chest.

"Whoa Alicia, whats up really? Are you OK?"

"Yes," I said, after taking a deep breath. "Well, no, or... Oh I don't know! Jesse, I need your help. See I think I might be... I was wondering how did you know you were... Is it weird that I-" Just then I heard Izzy shout.

"Hey, Jesse, Alicia!" Damn. So much for that idea, I thought to myself as I watched her approaching us.

"Uh, Jesse?" I asked while turning to face him. "Would you mind not mentioning this to Izzy?"

"Sure Alicia, whatever. I'm not sure what I would tell her any way." He smiled at me then and I'm pretty sure he did know what not to tell her. Just then Izzy sat down across from us.

"Hey," she said to me, "You joining us for lunch today?"

"Uh... no. Actually I just had to talk to Jesse. See you after school?"

"Yeah," she said, smiling. I found myself looking at her smile just a bit too long. Then, fumbling, I stood to leave.

"Bye guys." And I was off heaving a sigh as I made my escape.

I'm not sure how I made it through the rest of the day. I kept looking at the clock, both anticipating and dreading what was coming. When fifth period came around I was kinda relived that I had a free period. I was only kind of relived cause that meant that I had fifty minuets to think. Like I needed to do any more of that. I decided to go outside for a while and write. I made my way out to the tables, picked one, sat down and pulled out my notebook and a pen.

So Alicia, you are excited to hang out with a new friend. So what right? She is a new friend and you are happy to have one. Right? Maybe, no that's probably not it. I don't usually get fixated on friends smiles. Plus for the past few weeks I've been noticing that whenever I'm around her I feel better. Happier. Also in the past week I have found myself wanting to-

Suddenly I was aware of someone standing in front of me, across the table. I looked up and saw Mary. Oh yeah, there is still one person I need to cut out of my life.

"Hey Alicia, where have you been all day? I heard about Blake, are you OK?"

I looked at her chin length blond hair and blue eyes and wondered why I ever hung out with her. It was weird, when I looked at her I no longer saw the girl I have known ever sense kindergarten. I felt like I never knew her at all. The person I thought I knew would never have done what she did to me.

"I've been avoiding you and I'm fine," I said before redirecting my attention to my writing.

"What? Why? Why would you be avoiding me?"

"Because you were sleeping with my boyfriend behind my back." I said without looking up, "Last I checked that's not something that best friends do." I continued writing, she continued standing there. Still not looking up I said, "why are you still here?"

"I...I...," she stammered. I could tell by her voice that she was crying. I continued to stare at my notebook even though I wasn't writing any more. I wasn't sure that I could stand by my decision if I saw her crying. After what felt like hours but was probably only seconds, she left. I let my self cry just a little bit before returning to my thoughts. I decided not to write anymore and to just think. After some serious digging I decided this: If I do LIKE a girl then that doesn't mean that I'm gay. Also if I am then its not like its the end of the world. I'm tough, I figure if I can withstand people looking down on or making fun of me because I'm a poor Mexican girl with a drunk mom then I'm sure I'll get through this. Then just like that I realized that I'm pretty sure that I am gay. Well at least a little.

To Be Continued.....